Ann Marie

Ann Marie – USA

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My New Eros

Skin, stone, leaf, river, rain.

I came longing for deciduous leaves.
I pictured myself naked
among lush foliations of green.
I came craving succulence.
But now the summer has passed.
Itʼs autumn. And so am I.
I embrace my season.
My autumn body. My new eros.

Soft, warm, flesh melts
into cold, hard stone.
A fine drizzle needles my skin.
Tiny gnats whirl and tangle in the overcast sky above me.
The river flows below.
And leaves rattle their last song
before the trees send them on their way.

Skin, stone, leaf, river, rain.

Here, I let go of what once mattered,
of things that younger bodies dream of
and older bodies fear.
No longer motivated by the chemistries
of seeking lovers,
nor a catalogue of aches and ailments
sailing in the winds of entropy.
I am receptive, absorbent
embracing each season
with its own delights and dangers.

I am a lover of this delicious world.

My new eros.

Once again
I am like a child
before she steps outside of herself,
leaving her feeling-body behind,
observing how she looks to others.
As if her shape alone would determine her happiness
in the world.The child is happy
to toss off her clothes
and lay down on the ground,
even if itʼs cold.
Happy to feel the breeze on her skin,
the wet leaves sticking to her back,
her hair all tangled,
blood flowing through her veins,
coming to meet the chill.
Her heart pulsing with the terrain around her.

Laying naked on the earth
I delight in this body,
my own configuration of matter
embraced by stone, softened by leaves, chilled by drizzle,
and celebrate the coming season.

Skin, stone, leaf, river, rain.

My new eros.

Carol

Carol – USA

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The exhibitionist in me jumped at the chance to be a part of this Project.  This isn’t the first time I’ve been photographed naked.  But it dawned on me the night before the shoot that I’d never been naked in front of a camera without projecting my sexuality.  And then I got nervous, and I wondered how I was going to do this, and what would I project, and would I look pretty just being me without the facade of sex.  And I thought about backing out, but then I realized that this was the very idea behind the project,—just being human, vulnerable, and naked—in front of a camera, and I had to see what that felt like….good, bad, ugly…..or maybe hopefully, even beautiful.

My parents predicted I’d be Miss America, but I’ve had body issues my entire life.  Early on, I was awkward and tall, and had acne.  I hated my body and my flat droopy boobs with the humongous nipples, and a slight curvature in my spine still makes it a struggle to stand up straight.  You could tell by the way my shoulders slouched forward that my confidence was hidden and hurting inside of me somewhere.  There was multi-tiered trauma in the formative years that pretty much seared a negative body image into place.  I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without being repulsed, and wouldn’t dare let anyone see me naked without the light off.  I hated myself and hated my body even more.

But after my 3rd baby was born, I decided to have my breasts lifted so they’d actually sit where they were supposed to be and not droop down and point at the floor.  Every consultation I had suggested I augment, not lift.  And so I did, and then suddenly, overnight, it was as if a new me was born as well.  My confidence soared and my sexuality erupted! You know how you overcompensate for things when you’ve suppressed them for so long and then suddenly you feel free and you might have gone a little too far in the expression but you didn’t care because you felt powerful and empowered and strong and sexy and maybe actually a little bit in control, and finally beautiful?  …some might actually label this acting out…..

Over the years I have pushed myself to an unreachable standard of beauty that I have prescribed only for myself, a perfection I demand from myself that is ultimately unattainable.  Everyone else is allowed to have flaws.  In fact, I find them perfect that way, and beautiful, and wish they wouldn’t be so hard on themselves the way I am on myself.  It’s exhausting to be so critical of myself, and in the end….just plain futile.  To be perfectly honest (which is part of the nakedness of this project)  that wounded child still exists behind the facade, and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to integrate her into the physicality that’s become me, to find peace in the body that we’ve become.  We, that kid and me, are 55 now.  Menopause has come and gone, the children have grown and moved away, two marriages have begun and ended.  Those breast implants are 24 years old now.  We’ve lived a beautiful life.

Most of the time I push forward with the woman in me who is my strength, that Miss America in me who wakes up in a good mood and seizes the day.  She is tall, blonde, bold! (The first line in an online personals ad I’ve used to describe myself.) There is beauty in every aspect of her life.  She is grateful for who she is and what she looks like, for the children she has nurtured, for the relationships she has experienced, for the life she has lived, for the beauty that surrounds her, the beauty that embodies her…….She is still a work in progress.

I hope you see the beauty in me too.

Mikey

Mikey – USA

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I FEEL SO ALIVE!!

Through this experience, I have learned fully the beauty of my body, as well as my soul. I am excited to say that I now feel completely comfortable being naked around anybody.

I LOVE THIS FEELING!

I am so proud of myself to have accomplished feeling and being this way.

Getting here took a long time for me, but it has honestly been worth all the work.

What got me here, you might be wondering?

Confronting myself on what I like and don’t like, through the experiences of my life.

Through my suffering, some of the things I’ve learned:

Growing up in a town that does not accept people that are gay and feeling that I had to be with men for affection, and most of all protection, caused me to feel trapped in a world that was not safe.

Getting an STD was an extremely traumatizing experience. Feelings of embarrassment and fear of being judged led me to stay silent about my ailment. I am grateful to the divine universe that I have healed completely from it. I have now set a practice for myself to always honor my body.

Having two sisters in my family putting me down constantly when I wore a beautiful outfit kept me from fully expressing myself. As I matured into my feminine body, my two eldest sisters constantly made cruel and rude remarks about my body, attempting to tear my self esteem down. Although their tactic worked at first, I am now able to see that their attack on me is simply due to their own insecurities. I realize that the healthiest course of action for me to take is to stay away from that which is destructive, even if they are family.

Through my Joys, some of the things I’ve learned:

Moving to Asheville, NC allowed me to be in an environment that was very supportive of me expressing myself. The caring community of this little mountain city helped to create a place where I felt secure in being gay. Having lived the reality of this acceptance has helped me understand that a place like this really exists.

Most of all getting to this place of abundance in my life came from:

Congratulating myself on the many steps along the way. As soon as I notice myself feeling excited and at ease with things that before were uncomfortable for me, I pause and take a moment to smile and say to myself, “Woohoo, you did it!” Then I celebrate, and treat myself to something I really love. I rent a movie I really enjoy, have a lovely dinner with a friend, or buy a beautiful item of clothing. The next day, I continue toward my goal with excitement, knowing that I am on the right path, seeing and embracing that I am making progress every day.

Right now in my life, I have reached a big goal of mine: To be completely comfortable in my body and soul, which enables me to fully express myself. I now take great joy in knowing and celebrating that a big part of the journey is learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortable.

Now I understand the famous quote by Dan Millman, from The Way of the Peaceful Warrior:

“The journey is what brings us happiness, not the destination.”

For there would be no destination, and no reason to celebrate in our evolution, if everything was known. We are here to learn about our bodies and ourselves.  Through participating in the Embody Project, I now know more about my body and myself. I am so appreciative for this incredible, uplifting, and joyous experience.

Alison

Alison – USA

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Here we are, adapting back into the rawest form of humanity: becoming comfortable in our own skin through the courage and strength that lives within us.

We exist in a society where this power is suppressed. We hide ourselves in garments and in turn our beauty is concealed. We’ve lost the ability to accept each other as the unique creatures that we are, striving to reach for these standards that have been spoon fed to us since day one.

Pass through the arch,

forget the shame that you have been taught,

and gain the power to love yourself.

It’s damaging to the soul being denied the ability to admire our bodies along with those of our brothers and sisters.

There’s a quiet blindness that exists in too many minds.

Unable to distinguish the difference between nudity and sexuality.

Unable to distinguish the difference between humanity and commercialism.

Unable to see the similarities that we all share deep within our souls and on the very surface of our skin.

In order to feel unadulterated love, I have to be at peace with my body.

For my body, I am eternally grateful.

I love my body for the wondrous adventures it’s given me.

For its dance that arises in moments of rhythmic song or even in the midst of silence.

For the grounding sensation it gives me when I dig my hands and feet into the earth.

For the ability to feel another’s heart beating with mine.

And mostly for sticking around no matter how far off my mind has drifted.

Though it has been a long journey down a bumpy road, my body has taught me self-love.

My experience with this project has represented all that is empowerment of the human body. By putting myself out there, I am preaching that I am beautiful and you are, too.

With all of these photos and words, we are screaming that we are beautiful and you are, too!

Jenn

Jenn – USA

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It was less than a minute, standing in the middle of a dark, empty bar, naked, waiting while Erica got the lighting right, before I was feeling strangely comfortable. If I had been standing in front of a mirror I might have felt differently. My eyes falling to all of the places on my body’s mirrored reflection that aren’t “perfect,” and me wishing for them to be some other way. But that didn’t happen. I felt innocent and perfect and alive standing there. Animated even. My skin was soft to my touch and as I stood there sans guitar, I found myself lightly caressing my thighs and feeling beautiful. It didn’t hurt that as Erica continued shooting pictures, she said so.

My body was electric. Warmth and energy flowed to my core around my stomach and genitals. I felt happy. I felt free! When it came time for others to return to the room I found myself hurrying to pull my clothes on, thinking how strange it was that only moments before I had felt so uninhibited.

A few days after the shoot, I started to feel afraid of who would see those pictures.  Afraid of how others might perceive them. People who know me. People who will know me. People that I will work with and for. People at school or in the audience at a show.  People who might otherwise have paid attention to my music.

There is some doubt. There is some fear that my choice to be a part of The Embody Project may have undesirable repercussions; that the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of others might adversely affect my life and future. I have felt shame. I am more present than ever to the legacy of my culture—that something is wrong with being seen in my own skin.

The Embody Project has been an opportunity for me to take responsibility for the thoughts, feelings and beliefs that I have about my body. If you had asked me a year and a half ago, at the time of my greatest struggle with an eating disorder, to take my clothes off and be photographed, there is no way I would have ever said yes. Today, being part of the project is an integral part of my recovery. My Embody Project is a gift of love, to myself and anyone else who has ever stared with cutting eyes at their own reflection and thought that their body should be some other way.

Janell

Janell – USA

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I love posing, I’m a camera ham.  Before the shoot I was reluctant…I wanted to lose some weight before being photographed so that I had a thinner belly.  C’est la vie.  As the shoot neared, I considered the intent of the project and started to like the idea of pushing my belly rolls together so I could really show them off.  While that wasn’t how the shoot played out, I found myself in a fun and playful place with the process….and with my belly.  In other words, I kinda got over myself, and my body stories.

Even though I have a very close family, nudity was hidden growing up.  To this day, no one in my family gets nude around each other, other than my mom and me on rare occasion.  And although I’m very comfortable with nudity I don’t need to push it on the family front, and in fact, given how I grew up, it would just feel odd to be nude around my family.  On the other hand, my other family (tribe) is exceptionally open about their bodies, which I love.

I used to be very shy about my body.  At age 19, I still had hang-ups about letting even my gal pals see me nude.  I was so over being concerned that I decided to take up nude modelling.  Well, that knocked the shyness right out of me.  My first gig was for a freshman drawing class made up of mostly 18 year old guys.  Hasta la vista baby, I was pretty much cured after that.  Since then being nude has been a non-issue for me.

I love imagery that captures the essence of what’s real, and most of the mainstream media offers only a tiny sliver of that.  I wanna see cellulite, belly rolls, scars, body hair on women….the real deal of who we are and what our bodies really look like.

I feel sexier after being a part of this project, which for me right now generates feelings of self-acceptance and love.  And by sexier I mean I feel more connected to my divine feminine and an innate beauty.  Because of this, I’ve felt less inclined to judge my body.

BJ

bj – USA

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just before erica was about to leave she mentioned the embody project again, and would i be interested in doing the shoot right then and there? this spontaneous and unrehearsed way of participating in the project was so thrilling for me, matching the project’s intention to demonstrate the unadulterated naked truths of our bodies.

and how lovely an opportunity to step in front my issues, to not have had advance notice our shoot was such a gift! i had no chance to prepare for the shoot, go over it in my mind, anticipate what might happen, where or how to arrange myself accordingly. the uncontrived nature of the whole thing was surprisingly refreshing.

i noticed an incredible freedom and fluidity and trust in undressing and posing for our shoot. i felt such ease in my body, such confidence in participating with erica’s inspiring vision for the project, such assuredness in our familiarity and rapport, and such a deep and profound trust in the perfection of the moment.

and the awkwardness that was there turned out to be mostly logistical: the space we were in was cold, and posing for a camera is not something i’m familiar with or do on a regular basis. i did feel some paradoxical tension between wanting the photos to capture the ease i felt, and the other two elements of cold and the posing pretense.

upon some reflection, i imagined i would have enjoyed displaying something even more authentic and in the moment through the lens of our shoot together. demonstrating the awkwardness, the unrefined and raw aspects of being naked, cold, and amateur in front of a camera. intellectually, i can easily fancy the artistic qualities of emphasis on the raw and crude.

though it turns out that what was most authentic and in the moment was just to follow erica’s expert direction, trust the predominate ease i was feeling, and feel into the legitimate unpreparedness of our time together: an unmade bed with stained sheets, chill bumps on my skin, extemporaneous adjustments and positioning. what absurdity in thinking that i might have liked to control what was captured in order to demonstrate authenticity. the moment will always show up at just the right time (now) to teach me again about true authenticity.

what a fascinating and enlightening demonstration to myself of the resplendent nature of the raw, unprepared, exposed truth. and isn’t that the way of it? the exquisite beauty and perfection of all-that-is are always there, just waiting to be uncovered in their transcendent, impossible wholeness.

thank you life for showing this to me again. i am profoundly moved.

Alina Ahh

Alina Ahh – USA

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I loved being a faerie in the wild. Being naked with only my wings on! For years, I have been playing wildly and creatively as a faerie stilt-walker, but I have never thought about doing it naked. I loved the idea of trying this, something so new and unique. Wild in body and wild in nature.

I was excited and a little nervous ahead of time. But Erica made me feel so comfortable. And while shooting, I had so much fun playing with how I moved my body, and I loved being high up in the trees and with the large boulders. Being photographed made me feel special and queenly, and being high up magnified this experience.

I sometimes love my body and sometimes wish it were different. I grew up feeling awkward in my body and it took awhile before I enjoyed being in a body, and being in this body. It’s not anything like the so-called female ideal body. My mum was quite comfortable being naked around us girls and I marveled at her long pendulous breasts and round belly. I thought she was beautiful. My mum always told me I was beautiful, and I’m so grateful she did. Sometimes I feel beautiful and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I don’t care how I look to others. Sometimes I don’t look in the mirror for days and I ignore my appearance. I want people to see beyond the surface. I want them to feel the energy of who I really am. Which has very little to do with my body. Who I am is an eternal being of love. Who I really am is joy and freedom. And yet that being is housed in a wondrous physical body.

Here’s what I want to tell my body: Dear sweet body, you are beautiful. You are the perfect container for this perfect being of pure light and love. You are magnificent. You can move in so many ways. You jump, you swirl, you sway, you jiggle, and dance. You have taken this beautiful soul all over the planet. You have clamored over rocks and salsa danced in sweaty Guatemalan barrooms; you have flown in airplanes and climbed temples; you have swam in oceans and dead seas, stood in awe in redwood groves and hugged trees all over the planet; you have kissed yourself and other beautiful beings. You have perceived through these wonderful senses, and your perspective is entirely unique and valuable. You are a strong body. You love to move. You love to feel the breeze on your skin. I am so glad you are clothing this precious being.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sully

Sully – USA

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Aim and Release

I was once a hunter.  I hunted for laughter, play and companionship, and the bounty was full.  But the prize I wanted the most was the source of these pastimes… I hunted for Love. But Love found me first.  Love had watched me my whole life and all the while, I searched for its fleeting presence.  I followed its tracks.  Not a place did I go, did I not find Love’s markings.  It was always so close and with its traces everywhere, it seemed like such an easy catch. But Love always seemed to keep me on its heels.  Toying with me, while all along I never knew I was under Love’s watch.  I followed its heavenly floral scent.  I saw its presence in the eyes of those that had seen Love.  I heard it in the infants cry and the whistling wind. I saw it in the opening of the flowers to the Sun… everywhere.

I was driven mad by my search.  Love’s scent was maddening. Its marks were maddening; always dangling like a carrot before me, yet just out of reach.  For years I searched. I became angry, then hungry, then overwhelmed with desperation. I was exhausted and parched, weak and broken. I feared for my sanity and my life. Till finally, I dropped to my knees and surrendered to my defeat.

I tore the clothes from my flesh and gave my whole being to this surrender.  I had pulled and pulled at myself until there was no self left.  I released and put myself at fate’s mercy.  That’s when the arrow struck!  Everything became silent.  Everything…completely still.   All of time… past, present and future became one instant; Eternally Now, an eternal piercing of Love’s trajectory into my heart.

I looked up and then I saw before me… Love!  Naked… unashamed… yet fully humble in its most ineffable beauty, like a child. I was stunned, for in Love’s hand was a bow and then I remembered. I looked down and there my heart lay, split wide open; an arrow piercing its center.  I suddenly became frightened.  I struggled to pull it from my heart.   This struggle seemed to last an eternity.  Lifetime after lifetime seemed to pass.  During my struggle, I saw into the lives of All.  I saw everyone’s struggles, I saw war and famine.  I saw bloodshed and such sorrow.  I saw Life born and Life lost.  I saw Love gained and Love lost, over and over again.  I saw into the wounded hearts of us all and my heart split further open and finally I let go of my struggle again.

Each time I released, I was filled with unconditional Love for all humanity, for all existence.  I saw with their eyes, I felt with their hearts, Love and Pain became indistinguishable.  All became naked to me, all was revealed.  No more secrets, nothing left to hide.  Then I remembered having been them all.   Everyone, in all of time.  I became All that IS.  All ideas of separation were consumed in the inferno of All that IS.  Fully stripped  of all I thought I was, I experienced all that I Am, all that is I, which is all that IS! So fully bare was I that all that was left was an undifferentiated state. All opposites absorbed into One Beingness.

Then… Love spoke.  “Foolish human! This whole time you searched for me, hunted me down and never knew I was all around you, watching you, sometimes touching you, even within you.  Yet you were so obsessed with your hunt for me that you never noticed my true presence.  I watched and waited patiently as a true hunter does, waiting for just the right moment for my shot.  Sure, you saw the signs I left around for you, the ”tracks” as you called them, but you could never set your sites on me! This whole time, you thought you were the hunter but you were only the prey.  Then, when I’d finally driven you mad, brought you to your whit’s end, brought you to your knees in humility… laid you bare and fully vulnerable while releasing your idea of control, I saw the time had arrived.  I saw my shot.  I took aim and released my arrow into your open, exposed heart.  Not till you were fully naked and defenseless could my arrow penetrate your heart.  And once pierced, you died to your separate self and awakened to your Full Self.  Now that you are fully revealed, you and I can now be One.  For all good hunters know that one must become their prey before they can know their prey.”

At that, Love and I merged and became One.  I was the hunter and the prey.  Now, here I rest before you… still naked… still vulnerable and fully revealed.  I’ve chipped my flint with the cold stone of Life’s tribulations and sharpened it further on the gritty scabs of Humanity’s wounds.   I’ve dipped its tip in Life’s healing waters and in the blood of my open heart.   When it hits, you will feel both Pain and Love, but with surrender they will become One… and you and I will become One.  I see you. Yes… I see you… Now, I’m ready to take my bow and this arrow.  I’m ready to take aim… and release!

Savannah

Savannah – USA

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I have really struggled writing this essay.

There, I said it. And now, I can let it go.

I know the full impact, the true impact, of this entire experience won’t hit me until these words are shared alongside my picture. My body, my story; they are my identity.

She

With wild curls backlit by the sun like a copper halo, green eyes glinting, an amber necklace as her only adornment. Body humming from the inhaling the crisp air, the scent of dry autumn leaves and water on rock. Exhaling, to taste the nostalgia of fall in the mountains.

During the shoot with Erica, I hurdled boulders, leapt towards the sun, tipped into handstands, tumbled out of cartwheels, but ultimately stood naked with all that I am and all that I had to offer, laid bare.

She

Bare body, embodied. Honest, unearthed, and leaning into the unknown. Her body poised like a question-mark; secure in her skin yet simultaneously stretching as much as she dared. Freedom held in the sunlight at the tips of her hair, the tug of the wind, within her whispered prayer.

I felt so certain, so at peace. And yet since then, I have written and erased and written and erased, a senseless, ceaseless cycle to try to get it right.

What does that even mean? All our lives we are told to do the right thing, look the right way, have the right body, speak the right words, go to the right school, get the right job, marry the right man or the right woman, raise our kids the right way…

For the last week, I have grappled with the want to write this essay the “right” way. Until now.

She

Struck by realization like a lightning bolt: she was wasting her time trying to define her experiences as good or bad, right or wrong — it was all just life. Instead, she decided to remind herself that she was brave, strong, and creative enough to handle anything.

I am now sitting here, laughing, finally letting go of feeling obligated to write the “right” essay. We can only make it our truth, own what that truth is, and trust that it is enough.

So I will write it my way, because it is my story, my body. There is a certain freedom that comes from the act of accepting: not chasing, not retreating — simply being, as a living being.

Rather ironically, the passage on Death from the book the Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, spoke to me the most in this process of living:

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink form the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountaintop, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

I am so grateful for this opportunity to embody my body in this newfound way, and know that process may take days, months, years, my entire life, to learn and live and love. To embody is to make a choice, to breathe in the space in between; to soak up stillness with toe curling contentment, as well as wide spread arms and fingers outstretched for the next moment, motion, movement.

She

Blessed is she, with a body that can dance.